The church is an amazing thing. It’s made up of all kinds of different people – male and female, rich and poor, people from every tribe and tongue, and people with all different personalities. And these realities are true among us to some degree as well. We have different backgrounds and points of view that we bring with us into this congregation.
But according to Scripture –
We are all made one in Jesus
“Jesus is our peace,” having broken down the barriers that divide us (Ephesians 2:14) Paul says, “For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:27-28).
So now, although we are many different people, we are one body in Christ and members of one another. “For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.” (Romans 12:4-5).
And now, although we are from many different families, we are one family of brothers and sisters in the Lord.
- Jesus teaches us that it is his disciples who are his true family (Matthew 12:48-50). These are his “brother and sister and mother.”
- Paul says that we are “of the household of faith” – Galatians 6:10.
But we almost have to say these things by faith. For in truth –
We still have conflicts
This is why the New Testament talks so much about conflict and the need for peace. Those apostolic congregations needed it. Listen to these admonitions:
- “Be at peace with one another” – Mark 9:50
- “Be at peace among yourselves” – 1 Thessalonians 5:13
- “Live in harmony with one another” – Romans 12:16
- “Pursue what makes for peace and for mutual up-building” – Romans 14:19
And there are others references that could be added. All of these calls for peace give the distinct impression that this is not something that just happens. Peace is something we have to work toward. It is something we have to work hard toward.
But also notice that in these verses the call is to peace, not just trying to cover over our conflicts so that no one thinks we have conflict, which is hypocrisy. Peace means being honest about it and working through our conflicts in love, so that we all have good relationships with each other and live in harmony.
We are to work hard at this so that we can work together as one body, and so that we can get along as one family.
Now, if I may say so, the problem today is that if there is conflict, instead of being at peace with one another, we just leave and go to another church down the street. We avoid conflict. We don’t do the hard work of loving each other enough to hang in there and sort things out.
Let me say more. I wonder what it would be like if there wasn’t a church on every corner. What if being committed to a church was like being committed to a marriage – where you have to work things out?
This is what God calls us to do. So let’s look at some ways to do this.
1. Grow in your love for others
This is a commitment each of us needs to make.
To remind us what love is, here are some phrases from 1 Corinthians 13, “Love is kind. Love is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way. Love is not irritable or resentful.”
And then in Colossians 3:14-15, Paul tell us to – “. . . put on (this) love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body.”
Love is the source of our peace. Let your love for each other grow cold, and you will see our peace disappear.
Here’s a different way to look at all this. God has put us together for a reason, so that we can grow in our love for each other. So maybe that person you can’t get along with is specifically here to help you grow. Maybe that person that rubs you the wrong way is here for your benefit; a gift of God to you, to help you learn to love more deeply.
And so if you go off to another church in order to avoid them (thinking perhaps that other churches don’t have such problems), maybe you are really running from God. And who knows? Maybe God will put someone just like them in the new church you go to – for your benefit.
Does the person annoy you? Ask God for more love. And ask God to give you his eyes for that person so that you can see what is good about that person and why God loves them. And pray for that person. This not only is a blessing for them, it is a tremendous way to change your heart and your attitudes toward the person.
We’ve got to grow in our love for one another.
2. Let love break down relationship barriers
We have to be careful not to let our differences divide us. For instance, those who are older and those who are younger – generational differences. Or those who live in the city and those who don’t. Or even something as simple as the youth letting what school they go to divide them.
We can’t just go off and be in our comfortable clicks, around those we like and who are like us. Such partiality is not consistent with the call to love each other. As James 2:8-9 says, “If you really fulfill . . . ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself,’ you are doing well. But if you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors.”
Love should push us to be with others. And our love should pull others into our circles. We are all a family here, brothers and sisters in the Lord. This is what defines us, not our differences.
3. Bear with one another
This is a particular part of love that I want to highlight here. 1 Corinthians 13 also says, “Love bears all things” and “Love is patient.” Paul says in Colossians 3:12-13, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another . . ..” We need all these things, but I am especially focused on patience and bearing with one another.
People can rub us the wrong way. And so we need patience. Patience means longsuffering, or the ability to suffer for a long time – in this case with other’s weaknesses. We need to learn to bear with each other’s quirks and idiosyncrasies (and of course, hope and pray they bear with ours).
A part of this is learning to overlook minor issues. Proverbs 19;11 says, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” So don’t get angry over every little thing that happens. Be able to discern what is a minor issue and what has to be dealt with because it is truly important.
When there is real conflict –
4. Deal with the person involved
This principle is taught in Matthew 18:15. Go to the person in private to talk. Often the conflict is based on misunderstanding and can be settled easily.
This also makes sure we avoid two really big mistakes. 1) Judging by appearances. We assume we know what is going on based on what we can see from a distance. And we usually assume the worst of motives in others. But we don’t know the whole story. In John 7:24 Jesus says, “do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” You can’t do this until you talk to the person to find out what is going on.
2) Gossip. Don’t involve others inappropriately in the conflict. The issue is between the ones in conflict and so don’t go around telling everyone your point of view so that people start taking sides.
Both of these are real temptations, but we must learn to deal with the person face to face.
Also, when there is conflict –
5. Hear the other person’s point of view
It’s easy only to focus on making sure others know where we are coming from. But love compels us to seek to understand where the other person is coming from.
James 1:19 says in part, “Know this, my beloved brothers and sisters: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak . . ..” Quick to listen to others, slow to say what we think. This isn’t something that comes naturally.
Finally, when there is conflict –
6. Find a way to work through the issue
If you need to, find a compromise. Philippians 2:4 says, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” It’s not just about us and getting what we want, there is also a concern for the other and their needs and desires.
If this fails, let some mature believers help. 1 Corinthians 6:1-7 tells us first of all, don’t take each other to a secular court! Then he asks in v. 5, “Can it be that there is no one among you wise enough to settle a dispute between the brothers . . .?” Surely God has given congregations those who can help settle disputes. And we need to be open to a mediator or even an arranged settlement that puts an end to a conflict.
So these are some ways that we work at living in harmony with one another. I encourage you to act on them as there is need.
And remember, what makes us different from the world is not that we never have conflict. It is that we love each other enough to work through our issues and that we do this in a loving way. This is our witness to the world – that Jesus makes a difference in how we live.
William Higgins
Christian teaching 